Here’s the uncomfortable truth: you have a different personality in every group chat. There’s the version of you in the family group chat where you send heart emojis and “love you too” messages. Also the you in the church small group chat quoting scripture and dropping prayer hands. Then there’s the real you in the group chat with your closest friends—the one where you say what you actually think about people, relationships, and situations when you know they’ll never see it.

Furthermore if we’re being completely honest, that last version is often the meanest, most judgmental, most un-Christlike version of ourselves. We’ll never say it to someone’s face, but we’ll type it in a chat and hit send without a second thought. We screenshot conversations to mock them with other friends and we talk about people like they’re not real humans with real feelings, because the distance of a screen makes cruelty feel consequence-free. But here’s what we forget: God sees the screenshots you delete. He reads the messages you unsend. He knows exactly who you are when you think nobody’s watching. And the test of your character isn’t how you act in public or even in the main group chat—it’s what you say in the private ones.

The Bible has been calling out this kind of behavior for thousands of years, long before DMs and group chats existed. Proverbs 16:28 says “A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.” And Ephesians 4:29 goes even harder: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Notice it doesn’t say “don’t let unwholesome talk come out in public.” It says period. No exceptions for private chats, venting sessions, or “but they’ll never find out” conversations. James 3:9-10 puts it bluntly: “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness.

Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.” Swap “mouth” for “fingers typing on a keyboard” and the principle is the same. You can’t worship on Sunday and tear people apart in the group chat on Monday and call that integrity. God isn’t fooled by the version of you that shows up when it’s convenient. He sees the version that shows up when you think no one else does.

The culture of group chat gossip has become so normalized that we don’t even recognize it as toxic anymore. We call it “venting.” We justify it as “processing.” as much as we convince ourselves that talking about someone behind their back is fine as long as we’re “just being real” with our friends. Research from Psychology Today shows that gossip—even casual gossip—erodes trust, increases anxiety, and damages the gossiper’s character as much as the target’s reputation. Spiritually, it does even more damage. Every time you participate in tearing someone down in a private chat, you’re choosing cruelty over kindness, judgment over grace, and your comfort over someone else’s dignity.

And the scary part? It becomes a habit. You start to believe that this is just how people talk about each other. You normalize the very behavior that Jesus consistently condemned. Matthew 7:12 is simple: “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.” Would you want people dissecting your life in a group chat you’re not in? Would you want your failures, insecurities, and mistakes turned into entertainment for someone else’s friends? If the answer is no, then why are you doing it to others?

What does integrity in the digital age actually look like? It starts with a simple test: before you send that message, ask yourself if you’d say it if the person could see it. If the answer is no, don’t send it. Period. Second, be the person who redirects the conversation when your friends start gossiping. You don’t have to be preachy about it—just change the subject or say “I don’t really feel comfortable talking about them like this.” That’s not being self-righteous; that’s being consistent with who you claim to be.

Third, remember that delete and unsend don’t erase what you said from God’s sight. Psalm 139:2-4 says “You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar… Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.” If He knows it before you even type it, maybe that’s your cue to reconsider.

Finally, understand that your character isn’t defined by how you act when people are watching—it’s defined by what you do when you think no one is. Your group chats, your private DMs, your “close friends” stories—those aren’t separate from your faith. They’re the testing ground for whether your faith is real or just performative. God doesn’t grade on a curve based on who’s in the room. He’s looking for the same person in every space. Pass the group chat test, and you’ll discover that integrity isn’t just something you talk about—it’s something you live, even when you think nobody’s looking.

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Related Resources: Bible Gateway | Psychology Today | The Bible Project.