Forgiveness is one of the hardest things God ever asks us to do.
Maybe someone betrayed your trust. Maybe they lied about you, abandoned you, or caused a wound so deep you honestly don’t know if you’ll ever feel whole again. And somewhere in the middle of that pain, you’ve heard the words: you need to forgive them.
It can feel impossibly unfair. You didn’t ask for this hurt. You didn’t deserve it. So why should you be the one who has to let it go?
If you’ve wrestled with these questions, you’re not alone β and you’re not wrong to feel the weight of them. Forgiveness isn’t simple, and anyone who says it is has probably never been truly hurt.
But here’s what I’ve learned, both from Scripture and from walking through my own painful seasons: forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. It’s the door God uses to walk you from a prison of pain into the freedom He always intended for your life.
In this guide, we’re going to look honestly at what the Bible says about forgiving someone who hurt you, work through it step by step, and give you real prayers you can use β even when you don’t feel ready.
What Does the Bible Actually Say About Forgiveness?
Before we talk about how to forgive, we need to understand what forgiveness actually is β because the world’s definition and God’s definition are not the same thing.
Forgiveness in Scripture is not:
- Saying what they did was okay
- Pretending it didn’t hurt
- Reconciling with someone who is still harmful
- Forgetting what happened
Forgiveness is a decision β a deliberate act of releasing someone from the debt you feel they owe you, and entrusting justice to God. It’s not a feeling. It’s an obedient step of faith that your emotions eventually follow.
The clearest picture of this in Scripture is in Ephesians 4:31β32:
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” β Ephesians 4:31β32 (NIV)
Notice the standard Paul sets: forgive as God forgave you. That changes everything. Because God didn’t wait until we apologized. He didn’t forgive us because we earned it. He forgave us while we were still sinners (Romans 5:8), because His love was greater than our debt.
That’s the model. And yes, it’s hard. That’s exactly why forgiveness is an act of faith.
Why God Commands Forgiveness (Even When It Hurts)
One of the most challenging passages in the New Testament is Matthew 18:21β22. Peter asks Jesus how many times he should forgive someone who sins against him β perhaps feeling generous, he suggests seven times. Jesus answers:
“I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” β Matthew 18:22 (NIV)
Jesus isn’t giving Peter a math problem. He’s saying: stop counting. Forgiveness isn’t a quota you fill. It’s a posture of the heart.
But why does God command something so difficult? Because He knows what unforgiveness does to us. Holding onto bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer. Research from Johns Hopkins Medicine confirms what Scripture has always said: chronic unforgiveness is linked to higher rates of anxiety, depression, and even heart disease. God didn’t design our hearts to carry that weight.
Hebrews 12:15 warns us:
“See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” β Hebrews 12:15 (NIV)
Bitterness doesn’t stay contained. It spreads β into your relationships, your joy, your walk with God. Forgiveness isn’t just about the person who hurt you. It’s about protecting everything God has planted in your life.
Is It Biblical to Forgive Someone Who Never Apologized?
This is one of the most common questions Christians ask β and it deserves a direct answer.
Yes. Scripture is clear that our forgiveness is not conditional on the other person’s repentance or apology. Look at Jesus on the cross in Luke 23:34:
“Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.'” β Luke 23:34 (NIV)
The people crucifying Him hadn’t asked for forgiveness. They didn’t even realize they needed it. Yet Jesus forgave β fully, freely, unconditionally.
Colossians 3:13 echoes this:
“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” β Colossians 3:13 (NIV)
The forgiveness God gave us in Christ came before our repentance. We were forgiven while we were still enemies of God (Romans 5:10). That is the grace we’re called to extend to others β not because they deserve it, but because we have received it.
Forgiveness without an apology is not weakness. It is one of the most powerful acts of faith a Christian can perform.
How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You Deeply: 7 Biblical Steps
Forgiveness is rarely a single moment. For deep wounds, it’s a process β sometimes a long one. Here are seven steps grounded in Scripture to walk you through it honestly.
Step 1: Bring Your Pain to God First
Before you can forgive anyone, you need to take your hurt to God honestly. Don’t minimize it. Don’t dress it up. Come to Him with the raw, unfiltered truth of how you feel.
Psalm 34:18 tells us:
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” β Psalm 34:18 (NIV)
God is not surprised by your pain. He is not disappointed that you’re struggling. He meets you exactly where you are. Pour it out to Him in prayer β the anger, the grief, the confusion. This is the foundation everything else is built on.
Try this prayer:
“Lord, I am hurt. I am angry. I don’t fully understand why this happened, and I don’t know how to let it go. But I’m bringing it to You. I trust that You see me, that You care, and that You are able to heal what I cannot. Help me, Father. Amen.”
Step 2: Understand What Forgiveness Is and Isn’t
We covered this above, but it’s worth pausing here because many Christians get stuck because they’re trying to do the wrong thing.
Forgiveness does not mean:
- The relationship must be restored
- You have to trust that person again immediately
- The consequences of their actions disappear
- You will stop feeling hurt right away
Forgiveness does mean:
- You release your right to punish them
- You stop replaying the offense to fuel your anger
- You hand the situation to God and trust Him as judge
- You choose to pray for them, even if it’s hard
Romans 12:19 is your anchor here:
“Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” β Romans 12:19 (NIV)
You don’t have to carry the weight of justice. That belongs to God. Your job is to let go of the rope.
Step 3: Make a Deliberate Choice to Forgive
Forgiveness starts with a decision, not a feeling. You may not feel ready. You may not feel like they deserve it. Choose anyway.
Colossians 3:13 says to forgive β it’s written as a command, not a suggestion waiting for the right emotional climate. Feelings follow obedience in the Kingdom of God. You choose first; the healing comes after.
Write it down if it helps. Something as simple as: “Today, I choose to forgive [name] for [what they did]. I release this to God.” That act of intentionality matters. It marks a turning point your heart can come back to on the hard days.
Step 4: Pray for the Person Who Hurt You
This step might be the hardest one on this list β and also the most transformative.
Jesus is explicit about this in Matthew 5:44:
“But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” β Matthew 5:44 (NIV)
You don’t have to feel warm toward them to pray for them. You don’t have to want good things for them yet. Start with obedience and ask God to do the rest.
Try this prayer:
“Father, I confess it is hard to pray for [name]. But I choose to obey You. I ask that You bless them. I ask that You work in their life. And I ask that You work in mine β softening my heart, removing the bitterness, and replacing it with Your peace. Amen.” Something changes in you when you pray for someone you’re trying to forgive. It is almost impossible to remain consumed with hatred toward someone you’re genuinely lifting before God.
Step 5: Renew Your Mind with Scripture Daily
Forgiveness is a battle fought largely in the mind. Old memories resurface. The hurt tries to pull you back. This is where Romans 12:2 becomes your daily weapon:
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” β Romans 12:2 (NIV)
When the thoughts come β and they will come β replace them intentionally. Write these verses on index cards. Set them as your phone wallpaper. Say them out loud:
- “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” β Philippians 4:13
- “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” β Exodus 14:14
- “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” β Psalm 147:3
- “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.” β Romans 8:28
You are not fighting alone. You are fighting with the Word of God in your hands.
Step 6: Set Healthy Boundaries Without Bitterness
Forgiving someone does not mean allowing them to continue hurting you. This is a truth the Church doesn’t talk about enough.
Proverbs 4:23 says:
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” β Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)
You can forgive someone and still choose not to allow them close access to your life. You can forgive and still have consequences in place. Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing. Trust is rebuilt slowly, over demonstrated change. Forgiveness is given freely as an act of grace.
If the person who hurt you is still in your life, consider speaking with a trusted pastor, Christian counselor, or mentor about what healthy boundaries look like in your specific situation. The Mayo Clinic also notes that while forgiveness is deeply healing, it must be accompanied by appropriate self-protection to be sustainable.
Step 7: Trust God With the Outcome
The final step is the one we keep having to return to: surrender.
Isaiah 43:18β19 speaks directly into this:
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?” β Isaiah 43:18β19 (NIV)
God is not finished with your story. What happened to you does not have the final word. His redemption does.
Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery. He spent years in prison for something he didn’t do. And yet in Genesis 50:20, he looks at his brothers and says:
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” β Genesis 50:20 (NIV)
The very thing meant to destroy him became the vehicle for his greatest purpose. That same God is at work in your story right now β even in the parts that don’t make sense yet.
A Full Prayer for Forgiveness When Someone Has Hurt You
If you’re not sure where to start, pray this:
“Heavenly Father, I come to You carrying a wound I didn’t ask for and pain I don’t fully know how to release. You know exactly what happened. You know how deeply it hurt. And You know how hard it has been to let go.
Today, I choose forgiveness β not because it feels easy, and not because what they did was okay, but because You have forgiven me of so much more. I release [name] from the debt I feel they owe me. I place them in Your hands. I place this situation in Your hands.
Heal the places in me that are broken. Remove the bitterness that has taken root. Replace it with Your peace β the peace that passes understanding. Guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.
And Lord, do something new in my life from this moment forward. Let this wound become a testimony. Let this pain produce purpose. Let this be the beginning of something I cannot yet see.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
Frequently Asked Questions About Biblical Forgiveness
Q: What if I forgive and the hurt comes back? This is completely normal and does not mean you haven’t forgiven. Forgiveness is often a daily choice, especially for deep wounds. Each time the pain resurfaces, return to your decision and renew it. This is not weakness β it’s faithfulness.
Q: Does forgiving someone mean I have to tell them? No. Forgiveness is first a transaction between you and God. Whether you communicate it to the other person depends on the relationship, the circumstances, and whether it’s safe to do so. Many times, forgiveness happens entirely in your heart and before God.
Q: What if the person who hurt me is no longer alive? Forgiveness is still possible and still necessary β not for them, but for your own healing. Bring it before God honestly. Some people find it helpful to write a letter they never send as part of releasing the grief and the offense.
Q: How long does forgiveness take? There is no timeline. Small offenses may be forgiven quickly. Deep, traumatic wounds may take months or years of consistent choosing. Give yourself grace. God is patient with this process, and so should you be.
Final Thoughts: Forgiveness Is a Gift You Give Yourself
Forgiving someone who hurt you deeply is not a small thing. It is one of the most courageous, Christlike acts a human being can perform. It costs something real. And it produces something real β freedom, healing, and a closeness to God that pain alone cannot bring.
You don’t have to feel ready. You don’t have to feel like it. You just have to be willing to take the first step and trust that God will meet you there.
He will. He always does.
Key Bible Verses on Forgiveness (Save These)
| Scripture | Theme |
|---|---|
| Ephesians 4:31β32 | Forgive as God forgave you |
| Matthew 6:14β15 | Forgiveness and your relationship with God |
| Colossians 3:13 | Bear with one another |
| Luke 23:34 | Jesus forgives from the cross |
| Romans 12:19 | Leave vengeance to God |
| Matthew 18:21β22 | Forgive seventy-seven times |
| Proverbs 4:23 | Guard your heart |
| Isaiah 43:18β19 | God does a new thing |
| Genesis 50:20 | What was meant for harm, God uses for good |
| Psalm 34:18 | God is close to the brokenhearted |
Sources & Further Reading
- Johns Hopkins Medicine β Forgiveness: Your Health Depends on It
- Mayo Clinic β Forgiveness: Letting Go of Grudges and Bitterness
- GotQuestions.org β What Does the Bible Say About Forgiveness?
- Bible Gateway β All Scripture References
- Dr. Everett Worthington β REACH Forgiveness Model
Did this article help you? Share it with someone who needs it today. And if you’re walking through a season of healing, I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.
